Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Colossians 3:21

Colossians 3:19, 21 – Colossians
Third Sunday of Pentecost – June 21, 2020 (am)
   

Today is Father’s Day. And fathers are pretty important people! The National Fatherhood Initiative reports: There is a father absence crisis in America. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.7 million children, more than 1 in 4,* live without a father in the home. Consequently, there is what they call a “father factor” in nearly all social ills facing America today (2017. U.S. Census Bureau. *Data represent children living without a biological, step, or adoptive father.) [asterisk, quotation marks mine]. These kids are four-times more likely to live in poverty, twice as likely to die in infancy, to be over-weight as a child, or to drop out of high school. The girls are seven-times more likely to become pregnant as teenagers. And all them have a higher incidence of behavioral problems, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, and imprisonment.

Study upon study upon study has been done tracing the importance of strong and loving fathers to the stability of families which, in turn, has its impact on the stability of society. Widespread social disintegration, like we’re seeing today, does not happen without the prior disintegration of the primary unit of socialization, which is the family. And the family is far less likely to disintegrate when there is a strong and loving [father] present in the home.

But the mere presence of a [father] is not the key factor. A disengaged or disagreeable husband or [father] `will flavor the atmosphere of the home far beyond even the valiant efforts of an heroic wife or mother who tries to cover for him. Such fathers can actually cause more harm than good in the home.

So, the best-case scenario is when the [father] is not only present, but also understands the pivotal importance of his role and presses hard to enter into it with his whole heart. Nowhere are the qualities and priorities of the [father’s] role spelled out more clearly and compellingly than in Scripture. And while the instruction it gives is helpful to all, it can only be fully realized by the work of the Holy Spirit, and He comes to us only by faith in Jesus Christ.

We’ve talked in recent weeks about how the gospel really is the only true and lasting solution to the tragic events we’re seeing play out in the streets of our cities these days. And we’ve wondered aloud whether we as Christians have enough confidence in the gospel for us to hold it forth, to proclaim it, as the solution—or whether the opposition and ridicule that surely comes back at us will silence us and keep us from talking about it at all.

It can feel so much easier to analyze and critique what’s going on in our world than to speak up and share the solution to it, that really does soften people’s hearts toward one another—even in people who hate one another—and that really does open the way for peace, both individually and collectively.

We have the solution. I urge you to speak about it!

And that is essentially the topic of my message this morning. But we’re going to back away from addressing the superstructure of societal change and talk about the health and well-being of the core component, the starting-point of societal health, which is the well-being of the primary socialization unit, the family, and the God-appointed head of that unit, the [father].

It’s from our fathers that we best hear the lessons of fruitful life in society. And it is in our fathers that we best see a model for how those lessons are supposed to work, to look. This is societal well-being at its cellular level! This is the basics!

And the place where societal well-being—the thriving of communal life in this world, of true community well-being—begins is within the innermost circle of social engagement that occurs within the fundamental building block of societal health and thriving—I’m talking about the core relationship between a man and woman as [husband] and [wife], who are in turn the key players in the development of a healthy family.

Our lesson this morning is going to come from one of the most efficient and crafted words of instruction on these topics that appears in Scripture, Col.3:19, 21. And what we want to recognize is not just what God’s Word teaches husbands and fathers to do in the home, but also what we’re supposed to learn from them and do in our own lives, private and public, personal and communal, at home and out there in society. So, this morning is for all of us.

We’ve already read the context in which this teaching belongs. Paul is urging the Colossians to live into the new life they have received in Christ. They have been raised with [Him] so they need to set [their] minds on [Him] (1-4) and live the life He has enabled (5-11), complete with the character qualities, the disposition, the heart for people that Jesus displayed when he went to the cross to absorb the penalty of God against the sins of all who believe and set them free to live toward Him and toward one another with love and thanksgiving and peace (12-17). Now he’s telling them what that looks like at home with the family and at work (3:18-4:1). Arguably, home is the place where they would best learn how to live this way, and work is among the first public places where it would begin showing itself—the inner social-circles of our lives. Husbands and fathers, then, play the key role is providing this instruction.

Look at v.19. This is the complement to the wife’s instruction: 18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Support your husbands in this role they’re called to fill in the marriage and family. Then: 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Don’t take advantage of the authority you’ve been given. Exercise it as Jesus does. Use it to serve, to support, to strengthen, to give life to your [wife]. Love [her]. [Don’t] be harsh with [her]—don’t be bitter; don’t display that wretched irritability of a supposed absolute… authority (Moule 131). That misses the whole purpose of your relationship, your God-joined union (cf. Mat.19:6).

We’re not told here about marriage being an imitation of Christ and the church. We’re just told what it looks like to do [it] in the name of the Lord Jesus (3:17), in a manner worthy of [him] (1:10). When husbands follow this instruction by faith, by the Spirit, they look like Jesus! They live with their wives in an understanding way; they honor [her] as the weaker [partner in this authority structure]; they’d never lord it over her since [she’s an heir] with [them] of eternal life in Christ! (1Pe.3:7) When wives are [loved] this way, they’re so much more likely to love others in this way, beginning with their children….

Let’s move on to v.21. Surely parents (cf. 20) are the focus here, but the address is to fathers alone. And Paul is charging the men once again not to take advantage of their authority. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Don’t anger or frustrate your children and so rob them of a sense of hope. That’s the picture Paul paints here. Don’t exercise your authority in such a way that your kids can’t see any way out, any path forward—so that they can’t see any way to please you (cf. O’Brien 1274-5). Don’t dishearten them. Parents are the authority in the home but their children aren’t their personal property, theirs to treat however they wish.

I’ve personally seen what I know are well-meaning, Christian parents as they provoke their children to [discouragement] using little more than Scripture itself as a goad: quoting verses with a finger-wag to confront or condemn rather than lovingly shaping the principles of the Word to [encourage] and instruct their children. Fathers, this is our charge, our Spirit-enabled calling!

But I’ve also seen [discouragement] come when parents are just trying to drive [foolishness] from the heart of [their] child (Pro.22:15). So, it’s never the fault of just one or the other, fathers or children, when [discouragement] arises. But I know it arises less often when parents, especially fathers, are humbly walking with God by faith, trusting Him to enable their obedience to Col.3:21, and also to 3:19.

And when children feel that honor, that respect, from their fathers, it gives them ground to stand on in this world. It helps them understand not only who they are, and the value they bring into this world, but also what they have to offer. It frees them to treat others as though they have value—something valuable to offer.

In other words, this charge to fathers addresses head-on each and every one of the social ills that the National Fatherhood Initiative said were facing America today!

Conclusion

Now, to be clear, that’s not our aim today: to address the social ills of our nation. But it surely is interesting to note that as Christian fathers press into the enabling of the Holy Spirit to fulfill the role God has assigned to them in their homes, the very qualities most needed, most absent, in our society as a whole, are precisely the ones that are developed in our children. It’s almost as though God knew this and intended this calling for our, for everyone’s, good!

So, just to review, today is a call to husbands to love your wives and… not be harsh with them (19) as a set-up to call fathers not to provoke your children to the point where they become discouraged (21). And hopefully we’ve explained a bit of how to do both.

We’ve also acknowledged that this approach by husbands and fathers in the home has a positive impact on wives and children as they seek to do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus (17) so as to walk in a manner worthy of [Him], fully pleasing to him (1:10), both in their homes and also out in this increasingly needy world. In our homes, a [warm] and [loving husband] can make [submission] a delight for each Spirit-enabled [wife]. And a [gentle], [encouraging father] can make [obedience] much more [pleasant] and [achievable] for willing-hearted children.

And that’s just what this world most needs from them: love and [respect] for one another as people, joyful [submission] to authority structures at home and in society, and positive contributions to a greater good that comes from the self-controlled, self-restrained cooperation where each citizen contributes his or her best, and where the believers among us also introduce the influence of the Holy Spirit!

In short, rehabilitating broken homes and families is the best way to address what is going wrong all around us these days—it’s not the quickest way, but it’s surely the best—indeed it’s the only way that can actually work in the long-run.

And Scripture presents the best model of just how to do it.

So, the gospel is the ultimate answer to what’s going wrong in this world—the gospel applied toward the establishment of Christian homes (married or single, children or not) filled with obedient believers who love this world like God does (cf. Joh.3:16) and who never tire of taking His gospel out into the world and proclaiming His solution to any who will listen!

Now with this in mind, look, fathers, look at the key role our heavenly Father has called us to play in this world! Our faithful teaching and modeling to our children of what it looks like to walk with God actually has the potential to change this world in just the ways it most needs! So, let’s go for it!